Love Without Boundaries Is Not Grace
A response to a religious mother regarding an LGBTQ daughter and an angry husband. Why "accepting everything" is actually a spiritual blockage.
“We are a religious couple with 7 children. One daughter has ‘opposite tendencies’ (LGBTQ). We have done everything to accept her and her partner, despite the difficulty. However, she displays physical affection with her girlfriend in our home, in front of the younger siblings. We feel uncomfortable but bite our lips to be accepting. Years ago, a Rabbi told me to set a boundary: ‘I love you, but I don’t accept this behavior in the house.’ I decided not to listen to him, fearing I would lose her. Did I make a mistake? Also, my husband has a difficult past and suffers from anger outbursts. I usually hold back and swallow it. Should I view this as a ‘Tikun’ (correction) from Heaven?”
This is a complex and real question. It touches on several layers of correction simultaneously: Parenting, Marriage, Faith, Boundaries, and Compassion.
According to The Secret Wisdom (Torat HaSod), nothing that happens in a family is a “mistake.” But there is a great difference between Acceptance and Blurring of Boundaries.
The soul of your daughter is not “broken,” and this is not a punishment. The Zohar and the Ramchal teach that there are souls that descend with a Mixing of Vessels (Eiruv Kelim). A confusion between forces of closeness, love, and identity search—especially in the generations of the “Heels of Messiah,” where the boundaries between Male and Female, Inner and Outer, are blurred. This is a state of correction, not a final decree.
However... Kabbalah does not say ‘Everything is permitted.’
According to the Tanya and Ashlag, True Love is not the nullification of internal truth, nor is it the trampling of other vessels. A Jewish home is a Vessel. And a home with small children is obligated to maintain Consciousness Boundaries.
It is permitted for a mother to say: “I love you, you are my daughter forever, I am not abandoning you. But there are behaviors that are not suitable for the public space of our home.”
This is not a rejection of the daughter. It is the Guarding of the Home’s Vessel.
You did not make a mistake in your acceptance. But you may have erred when you completely waived the boundary out of fear of hurting her. Acceptance without boundary becomes a painful silence. And painful silence seeps into the children and the soul.
Regarding the Rabbi’s advice: He did not speak only Halacha (Law); he spoke Sod (Secret). He made a distinction between Loving the Soul and Guarding the Vessel. True Grace (Chessed) must be clothed in Judgment (Din/Boundary). When a mother swallows pain and discomfort to “not hurt,” she transmits a hidden message: There is no boundary. There is no vessel. There is no distinction. This does not heal the daughter; it leaves her inside the mixture.
Regarding your husband and the anger: Not every suffering in marriage is a “Tikun that must be overlooked.” A Tikun is not continuous suffering. It is work that leads to more light, quiet, and awe.
If there are triggers that continue to hurt, even if they have diminished, it is permitted and correct to say: “I respect the path you have walked. But there is a limit to what I can contain.”
A correction that is not accompanied by the expansion of the vessel turns into a Klipa (Shell). Restraint (Havlagah) that lacks words of truth wears down the Malchut (Kingship/Femininity) within you.
Your Lesson: You are not supposed to choose between Love and Truth. You are not supposed to erase yourself to be “Accepting.” Your Tikun is to establish a home that has Love without Abandonment and Boundaries without Cruelty.
The Zohar teaches that a Corrected Malchut is not one that absorbs everything. It is one that knows how to say: “Up to here, Light passes.” “From here on, the Shell begins.”
A clear, quiet, unapologetic boundary is a correction, not a rejection. Only such a truth truly heals.
Reflect:
The Confusion: Are you confusing “Love” with “Lack of Boundaries”? Love flows water; Boundaries build the cup. Without the cup, the water is just a flood.
The Silence: Where in your life are you “swallowing” pain and calling it “righteousness”?
The Voice: Can you practice saying, “I love you, and the answer is no,” without feeling guilty?
The conversation continues in the comments. How do you balance acceptance with your own home’s values?