RITUALS ARE NOT A RESUME
Why a "religious" partner might be spiritually dead, and a "secular" partner might be a vessel for Light.
Question: “I am divorced. I was with a man who put on Tefillin and made Kiddush, but it was just tradition for him. Now I met someone who doesn’t believe at all, but I feel a deep connection. I study Kabbalah. Can there be Light in such a relationship, or must we walk an identical path?”
The Confusion of Externals
There is so much human confusion caused by external appearances. I have explained thousands of times: The fact that a person puts on Tefillin, makes Kiddush, or keeps any other religious framework does not testify to who he is. It only testifies that he performs an action.
The real questions are: What is the state of his Character Traits (Midot)? Is his heart good? Is he willing to do the work together? Is he a partner?
Tools vs. Light Religious acts are Tools (Kelim). They are not the Light itself. They are Garments (Levushim). There is no holiness in the act itself if it is not connected to Intention (Kavana), and if it does not lead to the repair of character and the recognition of Divine Governance. Two strictly religious people can live in “Double Concealment”—keeping all the laws but remaining totally locked in their separate egos.
The True Metric
A relationship is not tested by the identity of beliefs. It is tested by whether the connection births Connection or Separation. “Man and Woman, Shechinah between them” is not a romantic phrase. It is a technical measurement. Does this relationship reveal more truth? More humility? More nullification of the Ego? More capacity to hold complexity?
The “Believing” Atheist
Light does not ask what a person thinks about God. It asks what is the intention of his Will. Is he willing to exit himself? Is he willing to undergo a process? Does he have “Fear of Separation” (a spiritual sensitivity), or just “Fear of Punishment”?
A person who does not “believe” in the conceptual sense, but is willing to do internal work, to listen, to merge, to clarify truth—can be a partner in Correction (Tikkun) much more than a person who speaks “religious language” but remains closed inside himself.
The Warning: Surrounding Light
Now, for the delicate point where confusion enters. Not every deep connection is a correcting connection. There are connections that feel like Light because they touch a Root, but if there is no shared direction for elevation, the Light remains as Surrounding Light (Ohr Makif) that does not settle into a vessel. This creates pain over time.
The question is not “Does he believe?” The question is: Is there a shared language of Truth? When you talk about internal clarification, about concealment and revelation, about responsibility for consciousness—does he cancel you? Does he belittle it? Does he close up?
If there is a fundamental disconnect from the questions themselves—not opposition, but Indifference—that is a gap that will turn into separation.
The Litmus Test
If the relationship allows you to be more You—more connected to the Creator, not less—that is a heavyweight consideration. But if it forces you to shrink, to explain yourself endlessly, or to give up on depth just to keep the peace—even if it “feels good”—that is a silent warning light.
You fix the relationship. The relationship does not fix you. The Creator is revealed (or not revealed) in the space created between you. And that is no longer a question of belief. It is a question of Truth.
Translated from the Hebrew Transmissions of Ruth Kedem
ORIYA’S NOTE
We love labels. “He’s religious.” “He’s spiritual.” “He’s secular.” We use these labels as a shortcut to trust. We think: “Oh, he keeps Shabbat, so he must be a good person.” This is dangerous. A person can keep every law in the book and still be a narcissist. A person can be an atheist and possess the trait of total selflessness.
Don’t look at the rituals. Look at the Motion. Is the person moving towards others (expansion) or curling into themselves (contraction)? I would rather be with an atheist who knows how to say “I was wrong” than a Rabbi who thinks he is God’s gift to the world. God doesn’t live in the label. He lives in the humility.