The Glue of the Wounded Child
Why do we stay with those who cannot love us? It is not bad luck; it is a hidden loyalty to an old wound.
“My friend is stuck in a painful marriage with a rigid man who cannot give her the softness she needs. She has abandonment wounds, and despite therapy, she can’t leave. She feels her life depends on his approval, even though he hurts her. How can I help her?”
The pain you describe is a deep pain. Quiet. Ongoing. One that doesn’t scream drama, But wears down the heart from the inside.
What is important to say immediately, before any wisdom, Is that this pattern is very familiar. This is not a condemnation, but an understanding.
A child who grew up with an abandonment wound Learns one very deep thing before words: “Love must be chased.” “Warmth must be earned.” “Softness is not taken for granted.”
And when entering a relationship from this place, A connection is formed with a person who cannot give what the heart asks for. Not by accident. But as a direct continuation of the wound.
This is not bad luck. This is an unfamiliar loyalty.
The glue she feels towards him is not love in the mature sense. It is a Survival Connection. It is the glue of an Inner Child who says: “If I receive softness from him—finally I will be fixed.” “If he chooses me—finally I will be worthy.” “If he changes—finally I will rest.”
Therefore, every rejection from him is not just a marital rejection. But a renewed experience of ancient abandonment. This explains why her pain is so existential. Why thoughts of not wanting to live arise. Not because he is everything, But because he touches the root where her life was conditioned on outside approval.
It is very possible that he is indeed incapable of giving her the softness she needs. Because that is the structure of his soul. Rigid, restless, self-absorbed. She is trying again and again to draw water from a well that simply does not have the water she needs.
Her great pain is not only that he doesn’t choose her. But that she has not yet chosen herself. Even at the price of losing the fantasy.
The fantasy that specifically from him redemption will come. This fantasy is stronger than love. Because it promises a retroactive fix.
The real work is completely different. Not to fight him. But to disconnect, slowly, the link between: “He loves me” And “I have a right to exist.”
Only when this link weakens Does true freedom to choose become available. To stay or to leave. Until then—it is not a choice. It is a trap.
And regarding your role as a friend: The wisdom is not to “do something” with the story. But to Be with the one living it.
Not to convince. Not to direct. Not to push for decisions.
The quiet presence itself, Non-judgmental, That does not rush to redemption— Is already healing.
Sometimes, the highest help Is not to hold a solution. But to hold an Open and Stable Heart.
✍️ Translated from the Hebrew wisdom of Ruth Kedem