The Pain of Living Between Two Worlds (When Your Soul is in Israel but Your Life is Abroad)
A 55-year-old woman asks: "I live in a golden cage abroad with a critical husband, but my heart is in Israel. Do I leave or submit?" Ruth Kedem answers: Silence is not Peace.
“I am married to a non-Jewish man. He is a good person, but critical. Since my father died, I have been living in Israel (where my heart is), while he stays abroad in New Zealand due to finances. I visit him in a luxurious home, but it feels like a golden cage. He criticizes my weight, my health, my hair. I walk on eggshells. I am 55. I don’t want to break up the family, but my heart hurts. Do I need to submit and be less critical? Or do I choose my soul?”
THE RESPONSE The pain you are experiencing is the pain of a Soul caught between worlds. Between Governances (Hanhagot), between Identities, and between Loyalties.
The Soul does not suffer for no reason. It hurts when it lives in a place where the form of life no longer matches its Root and Mission.
1. Silence is Not Peace You describe a life where you are required to shrink yourself. To be silent, to be careful, not to speak, not to Be. Such silence is not Peace (Shalom). It is Concealment (Hester). Continuous concealment creates illness in the Psyche and eventually in the Body (diabetes, hair loss). Because the Soul is not built to live without speaking Truth.
2. Suppression vs. Correction The Divine Soul and the Animal Soul can live together only when there is a framework where the Divine Soul is not trampled. When a “good” man is critical, controlling, and angry at your very existence—at your body, your speech, your sensitivity—a reality is created where the Divine Soul is forced to shrink excessively. This is not Tikun (Correction). This is Oppression.
A Tikun always increases Light—even if slowly, even if humbly. It never asks a person to disappear.
3. The Divine Presence (Shechinah) Needs Rest The Shechinah rests where there is “Rest for the Soul” (Menuchat HaNefesh). Rest is not external quiet, a beautiful house, or material comfort. Rest is a place where a person can be as they are without constant fear of reaction or criticism.
If the house is luxurious but the heart is tense -> The Shechinah is not there.
If the life is simple (Israel) but there is Truth -> The Shechinah is there.
4. The Pull to Israel The fact that your heart is in Israel is not just romance or nationalism. It is the call of a Soul Root. Whoever’s soul is tied to the Land by a deep internal bond suffers when living far from it. Because there, the Soul feels it belongs to a Move larger than itself. Your Soul is not built for prolonged disconnection.
5. The Decision The question of why you cannot simply leave stems from loyalty and responsibility. But when the Soul asks the same question over and over, it is a sign that the situation requires Decision, not just Patience. A decision is not necessarily immediate divorce. A decision is stopping the life of “In-Between.”
Either rebuilding the relationship with clear boundaries and truth. Or choosing a path where the Soul can breathe.
6. Messianic Torah on Suffering Messianic Torah does not demand breaking families. But it also does not sanctify quiet suffering. It demands Truth. Truth spoken first to yourself.
Does your life right now allow you to grow, shine, write, teach, and be a mother/woman out of Joy, not Survival? If the answer is No -> That is a Clarification (Birur).
Summary Your Tikun is not to be “less critical” or “quieter.” Your Tikun is to learn to speak Truth without violence and without self-erasure. Your Tikun is to choose a life framework where you are a Partner, not a “Conditional Guest.”
55 is not the end. It is a point of deep maturity. There is no Prince on a White Horse. But there is a possibility for a life of Truth and Dignity. God does not ask you to disappear to keep the frame intact. He asks you to be a mature partner in leading your life.
Your pain is a Call. Do not silence it.