The Soul That Refuses to Fake It (Why You Struggle with "Spiritual Teachers")
You aren't "blocking" the light; you just have a high BS detector. Ruth Kedem recommends the specific path for the analytical soul who needs structure, not just vibes.
THE DIAGNOSIS: INTEGRITY, NOT CONFUSION The difficulty you describe—reading deep material and feeling it is “too abstract” or “foggy”—is not a difficulty of understanding. It is a difficulty of Integrity (Yosher).
This is the struggle of deep souls in this generation. On one hand, you have a symbolic mind and a delicate sense of truth. On the other hand, you have a natural repulsion toward any place where the truth is decorated, shortened, turned into a “method,” or recruited for the Ego of the teacher.
Therefore, you experience moments of clear understanding and moments of fog. Not because you don’t “understand.” But because your Soul refuses to accept understandings that are not whole. Even if they sound nice. Even if they are smart. This is not a defect. This is a Protection.
Why You Are Angry at “Simple Faith” You mentioned that “Simple Faith” often angered you. Not because it is wrong, but because it was detached from its Root, from the deep secret that holds it together. And conversely, when you tried to learn Kabbalah, you felt people mixing in imagination, power trips, and Ego—and your internal sensor identified the fake.
The Prescription: The Ramchal What you are looking for is not “more depth.” You are looking for Order. A Beginning that is laid down correctly. A Middle that respects the pace. An End that does not close, but opens.
If I answer honestly, the only source in the tradition that truly attempts to do this is The Ramchal (Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto).
Not as Mystical Kabbalah.
But as Logical-Inner Kabbalah.
Not the direct writings of the Ari (too encoded). Not the Zohar alone (too poetic). But books like “The Knowing Heart” (Da’at Tevonot) and “The Way of God” (Derech Hashem).
These were written exactly for souls like yours: Souls that refuse to accept anything that does not sit perfectly in the Mind, in the Heart, and in Moral Integrity. There, you will find a structure of reality. It is a study that does not run, does not try to impress, and does not promise “Enlightenment.” It feels dry sometimes, but it builds a Vessel that does not fall apart.
How to Identify Absolute Truth You asked how to know what is “True” when you don’t feel it immediately. Absolute Truth is not an emotion. It is not a gut feeling (which can be confused by fear or ego).
Truth is tested by three signs:
Does it reduce Drama or increase it?
Does it return Responsibility without Guilt?
Does it create Simplicity or unnecessary complexity?
Truth that is not absolute will demand you prove it, explain it, and defend it. Absolute Truth will stand even if you remain silent.
The Ego’s Rush And here is the most delicate point: The desire to “understand everything right now” is not spiritual curiosity. It is the Ego seeking control through understanding.
The Soul, in contrast, is willing to move forward even in the void, as long as the direction is clean. The fact that you feel internal movement—boundaries, less drama, simple acceptance—is the Witness that the work is real. Even if the words haven’t settled yet.
You don’t need to understand everything. You need to stop lying to yourself. Continue to ask only the questions you can live with in peace, even without an immediate answer. That is the Path.